


All That You Can't Leave Behind

by slash4femme



Category: NCIS
Genre: Deaf Character, Disability, Gen, Injury Recovery, Major Character Injury, Tony character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-29 11:19:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3894424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slash4femme/pseuds/slash4femme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Tony is attacked during an arrest and serious hurt, his life changes and it takes the whole team to help put it back together again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That You Can't Leave Behind

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2009. I do not change/edit my older works, merely upload them here. 
> 
> This was originally written for the prompt: "Tony is no longer able to be an agent due to some sort of injury or illness. Teamfic where they help him come to terms with this decision, or an in-character Gibbs (no father/son or lover talk) helps him get through it."

I.

He doesn’t remember what happens. He only remembers waking up in the hospital. Later Gibbs and Ziva tell him about going to arrest Williamson, and about how Williamson took him by surprise. Gibbs tells him how Williamson had used a tire-iron on Tony before Ziva shot him. The doctors tell him about the brain damage and how he’s lucky to be alive. Tony doesn’t really think about any of that though. Instead he thinks about how he doesn’t remember what happened, and about how he can’t hear any more.

Technically that’s not true, he can hear noise, not distinctly, or particularly loudly, but if the noise is loud enough he can hear something. It’s like having his head stuck permanently under water. Regular level noises he can’t hear at all and louder one’s he can’t understand or even distinguish. When he hears any noise at all it could be music, or something falling over, or a voice, he just can’t tell. No matter how hard he tries, he just can’t. 

It scares the hell out of him.

Gibbs is there more then he’s not and Ziva stays at the hospital with him sleeping in the chair next to Tony’s bed. Ducky and McGee come to see him too, and spend hours every day visiting with him. Tony just feels numb not only from the drugs they give him for the pain, which is bad, but from the shock too. When they talk to him, he can see their lips move, but he can’t hear anything, even when they shout, all he hears is faint noise he can’t make out or understand. At least when Abby comes she doesn’t try to talk, only writes what she wants to say down for him, and holds his hand, and smiles a lot. He finds it soothing.

It’s while before the doctors let him out of the hospital, and then he’s just sent to recuperate at home. He’s not going back to his job of course. He knows that, intellectually he’s known that since he saw the words ‘minor brain damage’ and ‘permanent hearing loss.’ Vance hasn’t called him yet, to tell Tony that he’s not coming back, and he’s grateful for that. Tony needs time. 

 

II.

Tony’s up teetering around his apartment when Abby and McGee show up at his front door. It’s after office hours and McGee is dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Abby hugs Tony and McGee smiles and Abby searches around in her purse until she finds a notepad. It turns out they are there to install things, evidently. Tony’s not exactly sure what that means but he lets them in, takes more pain medication and lies on the couch. Evidently installing things, means installing a machine that makes the floor vibrate when the doorbell rings, another one that does the same thing but at a different rate when the fire alarm goes off. Abby has an alarm clock that vibrates the bed when it goes off. McGee gets rid of Tony’s old telephone and brings out another one hooked up to a computer that shows what the person on the other end is saying printed as text on the computer screen.

“How much did all this stuff cost?” Tony asks. He’s found he hates speaking since he can’t hear himself to modulate his voice. Speaking out loud is just awkward now. Abby shakes her head. ‘Don’t worry about it’ she writes, ‘a lot of it my mom had and when she upgraded the house she said you could have it.’

It takes him a minute to remember that Abby’s mother is deaf and then when he does remember he has to bite down the irrational desire to scream at them to take it all away again. Having any of it in his house feels like the ultimate proof that this is real, that he can’t hear, that he is deaf, that his hearing isn’t coming back. Not now, not ever. He doesn’t scream at them, he sits quietly on the couch and lets them change his house to accommodate his disability and feels like something inside of him just might be dying.

 

III.

He can still do most things of course, cook, go out, read, go online, watch tv with the subtitles turned on. He can’t listen to music, and he’s starting to forget what people’s voices sound like. Most importantly of all though he can’t be an NCIS field agent.

Head wounds heal even bad ones, he knows that, and this time is just like the others. He goes to the doctor, takes the medication and it gets better. His head heals, but he still can’t hear a damn thing. 

In the end he gets an official letter from Vance. He assumes Vance had wanted to tell him in person but Tony wouldn’t have been able to understand him anyway so a letter works just as well. He lets it sit on his kitchen table for four days before he opens it. He reads it and then very carefully, very calmly breaks three glasses in a row against the kitchen wall.

He gets disability compensation to live on, not that it helps in the slightest.

 

IV.

He’s never been a big drinker. He’s father was an alcoholic he knows what that looks like and it’s always been enough to keep him from really bingeing even in college. The closest he ever came to that kind of trouble was when he was agent afloat after Jenny died. Not his best moment ever, that whole episode.

He drinks now, he drinks a lot, and he drinks alone. He doesn’t really care what that says about him, because he already knows what that says about him. It doesn’t matter anymore though, he’s only ever been a cop, his whole adult life. It’s the one thing he’s been proud of, his work in law enforcement. He’s fucked up plenty in every other aspect of his life, but he was a good cop and he’s a damn good agent. At least he was a good agent.

In hindsight it takes longer then he would have expected, a whole week of not answering his phone, before Gibbs breaks down his door and dumps all the alcohol in the house down the toilet. Gibbs comes back into the living room and takes a good long look at Tony sitting on the couch looking sullenly at the ground. Gibbs walks over the couch and stands looking down at Tony for a long moment, then head-slaps him hard.

“Ow!” Tony’s doesn’t know if he’s yelling or not but he sure hopes he is. “What the hell was that for Boss?”

Gibbs only glares at him, then signs something with his hands very quickly. Tony squints at him holding the back of his head with one hand. “What?”

Gibbs only raises his eyebrows crosses his arms over his chest and glares some more.

“Ok.” Tony gets up and walks across his living room to lean against his desk. “Ok so I shouldn’t be drinking, so what? What else am I going to do? What am I good for anymore Gibbs? My whole life I’ve been a cop, I’ve done this job, when it gets me, when it finally gets me. What does NCIS do? They kick me to the curb. So go ahead, tell me I shouldn’t be drinking, but are you going to stand there and tell me that if it was you, you wouldn’t be drinking too?” He advances on Gibbs until he’s standing a very close, a tactic Gibbs himself uses often to intimidate someone and it’s unbelievably stupid to try to use it on Gibbs but Tony’s way past caring. “Go ahead, tell me. Tell me you didn’t drink when you’re whole world was taken away. Because that’s what this is for me, my whole life.”

They stare at each other for a long moment, then Gibbs very purposefully, walks around Tony, to the desk and scribbles on a piece of paper before standing back, watching Tony, still wearing that cold, hard look that has always meant pissed off Gibbs. After a long moment stubbornly staring back at Gibbs, Tony goes over to the desk and looks down at Gibbs’ large, dark printing. You Are Not Alone DiNozzo it reads, underlined twice. Tony reads it, then readings it again and feels suddenly all the anger drain out of him. He looks back up at Gibbs who is wearing an expression Tony can’t quite name and Gibbs takes two steps toward Tony, and smacks him in the head, again. 

 

V.

Abby stands in front of him arms folded across her chest looking just as pissed off as Gibbs had. Tony glares right back at her. He doesn’t want her help, he doesn’t want Gibbs or any of his former team’s help, he doesn’t need their pity, he just needs to be left alone. Finally she uncrosses her arms and signs very quickly with her hands just like Gibbs had.

“What? Abby, I can’t understand you.” She picks up a notepad from his coffee table and writes on it before holding it up for him. You need to learn American Sign Language.

He shakes his head. “What I need is to be left alone.” He really wishes he could hear himself talk; he has no idea what he sounds like or how loud he’s talking. Abby smacks him in the leg with the notepad. “Ow!”

He rubs his knee and Abby glares at him looking uncannily like Gibbs again. Tony blinks at her several times, as she scribbles fiercely on the notepad again. You have to learn how to sign Tony. She writes. You have to communicate with other people. I can teach you but you really need to take classes.

“Abby please leave.” He stands up and tries to take her by the shoulder and turn her toward the door. “I really don’t feel like talking about this right now.”

She crosses her arms over her chest and refuses to move. Lip-read. She writes. You need to at least be able to tell what other people are saying.

Tony sighs, she’s right and he knows it but learning to sign, learning to lip-read will be admitting this isn’t going to get better. It means admitting he’s deaf. “Abby, I . . . I can’t.” He sits back down on the couch and she comes to sit next to him and puts one arm around his shoulders, leaning her head against his arm. It’s been months Tony. She writes on the pad and Tony shuts his eyes, presses his hands against his closed eyelids. Wonders if life is ever going to feel right again.

 

VI.

A week later Abby shows up at his door and drags him bodily to her car. They end up at community center taking an American Sign Language class from a man Abby seems to know. Abby sits next to Tony the whole class, makes sure he fills out the worksheets, does the exercises and takes notes, it’s like being back at school, except worse, because in school no one was actually physically forcing him to do the work. Now Abby looks like she might actually kill him he doesn’t do this. Luckily for both of them Tony’s good at languages once he puts his mind to it, and he figures the faster he can learn this one the fast he won’t have Abby and Gibbs’ breathing down his neck. Abby also drags him to a lip-reading coach. Lip-reading is weird Tony decides but he’s surprised to find the awareness of body language he’s picked up from years of working in law enforcement actually helps him figure out what people are trying to communicate without being able to hear them.

A couple weeks later Tony opens the door already pulling on his coat. He expects to see Abby there to drive him to sign language class but instead Tim’s standing on the other side of the door hands in his pocket.

Tony blinks at him. “Where’s Abby.”

[Court] Tim signs slowly and with difficulty. [I said I would go.]

“It’s ok Tim you don’t have to. I’m sure I can get there and back without breaking anything or straining myself too much.” Tony tries to shrug off his coat and Tim stops him one hand on his shoulder.

[I want to go.] Tim signs again painfully slow and awkwardly. [I want to learn.]

Tony stares at him for a moment and then nods [Fine. You win . . .] He makes a sign in the air and Tim’s eyes narrow in confuse.

[What?]

Tony grins and does it again this time slowly and more distinctly, and Tim’s eyes widen and then he snorts and crosses his arms. “Might have guessed you’d figure out how to call me “McGeek” in sign language.”

Tony only grins wider pretending he can’t understand what Tim’s saying.

Later after class Tim orders pizza and they both eat it sitting on Tony’s couch watching Tony’s choice of classic movies together. Tony will never admit it, but having Tim there struggle to learn sign language and getting just as frustrated as Tony and then just hanging out at Tony’s apartment is kind of nice. Nothing they ever did before, but still, Tony snags the last slice of pizza and Tim glares at him and mouths something unfriendly as Tony’ grins, it’s not that bad. 

 

V.

When the floor vibrates in the living room Tony doesn’t even think it’s strange anymore, he just goes to see who’s at the door. Ziva smiles at him then hands him two plastic bags of Chinese.

“I bought dinner.” Ziva unlike most of the other members of the team doesn’t even try to sign, but at this point Tony’s good enough at lip-reading he can tell what she’s saying when she’s facing him.

“Did you get extra egg rolls?” Tony asks trying to look in the bags while they head for the kitchen. Ziva waits until Tony puts the food on the table and turns around to face her before she rolls her eyes and nods.

They sit at Tony’s table and divide up the food while keeping an eye out for chopsticks.

“I brought you something else.” Ziva breaks her chopsticks apart and grabs a carton of fried rice.

“Oh?” Tony grabs the sweet and sour pork and divides his own chopstick. “Don’t tell me, let me guess, the new swimsuit addition of Sports Illustrated?”

Ziva makes a face at him over her rice, and pushes a file folder across the table. Tony puts down his chopsticks and picks up the folder, opening it. Inside is forms and it doesn’t take him more then a glance to recognize government stamps indicating application forms.

He looks up at Ziva who seems to be talking. “You can’t . . .” Tony can’t understand what the rest of what she’s saying is and frowns at her

“What? Talk slower Ziva I can’t read your lips.”

She puts down her chopsticks and concentrates on speaking clearly “You. Need. A. Job. Tony.”

He frowns. “Yeah like that’s going to happen. The only thing I’m good at is law enforcement.”

“I know.” Ziva pushes the forms at him again. “Look at them.”

He opens it again and this time takes the time to read through them before looking back up at her. “A human rights investigator?”

“You are over qualified.” Ziva points out picking back up her chopsticks.

“This is a civil agency.” Tony was still staring down at the forms dumbly. “A civil government agency.” 

He looks back up at Ziva who nods. “Yes Tony, it is a civil law enforcement agency.”

“Civil law.” He frowns down at them again.

When he looks up again Ziva’s watching him. “Think about it Tony.”

He closes the folder and sets it aside as their conversation moves on to movies and cars, and whether Ziva may or may not be dating anyone.

 

VI.

Tony can’t help but fidget slightly. The woman sitting on the other side of the desk is damn intimidating. She’s a large woman old enough to be his mother, with a head full of dark breads, steel-rimmed glasses and a no-nonsense attitude. Her name was Joanna Goode and she is the director of the Human Rights Commission for the District of Columbia.

[Well your qualified for our open investigatory position.] She told him leaning back in her chair as the college-age kid they’d gotten to translate translated what she says into beautifully fluent sign language. Tony alternates between looking first at her then at his translator. She taps her fingers against her desk. [And I understand why, coming from your background and circumstance, you’d come to us. I am wondering though how you feel about doing this type of work.]

Tony isn’t quite sure what to day to that. “I’m a good investigator.” He tells her and she nods.

[Yes your record and letters of recommendation show that. But in civil law enforcement we do most of our work through research at a desk and I’m wondering since you have been a field agent for most of your career, how you feel about that.]

Ton thinks about the question honestly, because it has been worrying him too. He’s used to the excitement and danger of being an NCIS field agent and he isn’t a hundred percent sure he could be happy behind a desk. “These laws need to be enforced same as any other law.” He finally tells her truthfully. “I like that. I like knowing I’ve done the right thing, knowing I’ve stopped something bad from happening to someone who didn’t disserve it. That’s not going to change.” 

She gives him a long thoughtful look. [Thank you Mr. DiNozzo, we’ll be in touch]

 

A week later he sits in the same chair across from Director Goode’s desk in completely shock. She only smiles kindly at him and pulls back the paperwork he’s just finished signing.

[Congratulations] His translator signs for him. [And welcome to the District of Columbia Human Rights Commission.]

He only nods numbly and she reaches into her desk and pulls out a black leather rectangle that she lays in front of him. Tony just stares at it. The polished metal against the black leather gleams at him. “This . . . ” He reaches out for it and looks up in time to see Director Goode smiling at him. 

[Investigator DiNozzo.] She tells him not unkindly [That is your badge] She is still smiling at him as she raises one eyebrow. [I trust you know what to do with it.]

Tony’s fingers curl almost protectively against cool metal and leather, “Yes, Director.”

She’s full-blown grinning at him now. [Good.]

 

VII.

[So the job?] Tim raises his eyebrows at Tony meaningfully and Tony sighs and throws his dress jacket across the back of his couch.

[It’s fine. Good really. Spent today in court though.] Tim makes a face in sympathy.

Tony pulls his tie off and flops next to Tim on the couch. It’s really weird he thinks, how well him and Tim get along now that they don’t work together. He grabs a plastic fork from off the coffee table and pulls a container of curried lamb closer to him.

[This other investigator I work with. Zoey. You’d like her; she’s really cute, really good at what she does. Really good with a computer.] He stopped waving his fork around as he signs and uses it stuff curry in his mouth instead. [Kind of geeky but then that wouldn’t be a problem for you.] Tim rolls his eyes at that and Tony takes a swig of beer. [So tell me what the new agent is like.]

Tim has the good manners to look guilty although it is really no one’s fault and Tony had known they’d replace him eventually

[Vega?] Tim takes a sip of beer then puts it down so he can sign. [She’s fine, a good agent. Ex-Marine. Gibbs likes her.]

[Anything like me?] Tony nudges Tim’s shoulder with his own grinning and Tim actually stops and considers it.

[Well she tells just as bad jokes as you do.] He says completely deadpan and Tony laughs. 

 

VIII.

Tony gets to Ducky’s house just about the same time as Abby she waves at him as he gets out of the car. She opens the back door of her own car and pulls out a huge crock-pot.

[Do I even want to ask?] Tony eyes the crock-pot with suspicion

She only grins at him and a little awkwardly signs with one hand [It’s a secret.]

[I’m sure it is.] Tony takes a step away from the crock-pot for good measure.

Abby turns slightly and Tony turns too in time to see Ziva walking towards them carrying a couple plastic bags. Ziva comes to a halt in front of them and sets the bags down.

[Hello Tony, Hello Abby. Am I early?] Abby shrugs. Ziva’s attention is drawn to Tony’s car and she raises one eyebrow at him. [I see Abby and Ducky have corrupted you.]

[That car is nothing like either Abby’s or Ducky’s!] Tony protests and then glances at Abby. [No offence. But it’s a classic sports car!] Tony raises his hands about to go into a long rant about the virtues of this particular car and Ziva shakes her head.

[We do not care Tony.] She picks up her bags again [What did you bring?]

Tony reaches back into his car and picks up a bowl [Potato salad. I made it myself.]

Both women turn to stare at him in disbelief, and he shrugs [Ok, ok. I put it in the bowl myself.]

They all head to the house to find Tim and Jimmy already sitting on the front porch. [Gibbs’ got the grill going and there are drinks in the kitchen.] Tim tells them and then raises his eyebrows at Tony. [Nice car.]

Tony beams at him and then follows Abby through to the kitchen, then out into the back yard. Gibbs and Ducky are sitting together talking with Fornell and a tall woman with long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail is manning the grill. Tony nods a quick hello to the little group as he passes while Abby stops to hug each of them in turn.

“You must be Vega.” The woman looks up at him, then smiles and Tony has to admit he’d be totally hitting on her if she wasn’t the NCIS agent that replaced him.

“Yeah, but call me Lisa, and you must be Tony.” He nods keeping his eyes on her lips so he doesn’t miss anything and shakes the hand she offers him. She has a nice, firm handshake he notices.

“So what are we making?”

“Just burgers.” she waves a spatula at the grill and then her eyes rise to glance behind Tony and he turns to also look and almost runs into Gibbs.

[“And if you two just stand there they’ll be burnt soon.”] Gibbs speaks and signs at the same time as he moves past Tony to grab the spatula from Lisa and check on the grill himself. Lisa only smiles and raise one eyebrow at Tony behind Gibbs’ back and Tony only shrug as if to say, ‘he’s always been like that so get used to it’. She grins broader and raises her beer to Tony in a small salute before wandering off toward Ziva.

A hand lightly touches Tony’s elbow and Tony turns to see Ducky smiling at him [How is work going Anthony?] Tony isn’t at all surprised that Ducky signs almost as well as Gibbs or Abby, Gibbs has probably been teaching him.

[Work’s fine Ducky. Different but good.] Tony takes a sip of beer and Ducky tilts his head to the side slightly.

[Seeing as how everything in life changes ‘different but good’ is the best any of us can hope for I think.]

Tony smiles at Ducky and reaches forward to touch the older man’s shoulder. [Miss me at work?]

Ducky smiles back. [We all miss you Anthony but you aren’t dead, you haven’t moved to some far off country, you are right here, alive, well, still with us.] Ducky squeezes Tony’s shoulder in return. [And that is after all what matters.]

With a parting smile Ducky moves toward Jimmy who is coming around the side of the house and Tony looks up at Gibbs, who’d been watching the whole exchange, just as Tim moves to stand at Tony’s shoulder. Tony raises his beer at Gibbs in the little salute Lisa had used earlier and Gibbs nods ever so slightly and Tim pats Tony’s shoulder and Tony knows Ducky’s right. Different but good isn’t a bad place to be.

**Author's Note:**

> All the ASL in the fic has been translated into spoken English so doesn't necessarily appear here in the form it would be signed in.


End file.
